My nose piercing accidently came out in the shower today. I was so close to 6 months!!! ;( I couldn't get it back in, it closes over strait away within about that period of 6 months. I am sad. I didn't really notice it coming out, it didn't even hurt I just felt it come out and felt my nose and it was gone. I feel like a part of me is missing ;(.

A part of me is missing anyway. I wish I could just slip away from everything and everyone and just fall down the drain where no one would come to find me.

Man I feel like an ice cold pepsi...

STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME GO FUCKING PLACES WITH YOU MOTHER! I HATE you okay...

---Poem 1--- (no name)

In my world the sky is falling,
The end of something draws near,

All of these years,
All of this time,
I never thought,
I'd hear you cry.

Over why,
This is so,
Over reasons that,
I don't know.

I am here,
In this life,
I am near,
And I'm alright,

You are not.

I'll help,
you stop,
Just let me in,
We'll work this out,
No-one wants to be alone,
But you are alone,

You've got me,
Together you're not alone,
And I know that you,
Don't want to die,
Die alone.


---Random Poem Thing 2--- (no name)

All the world is bleeding,
Inside of me,
But none of them know,
And wishful thinking comes,
At such a high price,
That mostly brings pain,
And suffering,
A world where confidence,
Is memory of past success,
And in a mind like mine,
There is no success,
Even if there is,
And all good things,
Are overthrown by the opposite,
And I become depressed,
Because your pain,
Is my depression,
And somehow this feels like heaven.


---The Room---

Four Walls
Barriers of white
A door
Closed and locked
In the room
alone
There for hours
And more to come
Is this where I am
Or perhaps where I'll end up.

Happiness fades away
Like usual
Boredom intrudes
And with it come unfought thoughts
Sadness
Lonliness
And even depression.

No-one can see me
I'm sure no-one will know
Myself in this state
Only I can know
Perhaps I should open
The window blinds today
My reply to myself is no
Because no-one will care
No-one will see
But I can't take the risk
Of anyone finding out
About the real me
The one crying out
In agony
Yet so softly.

I feel like I'm keeping
Part of myself prisoner
Against it's will
But my mind overules.

Why do I keep such a dark secret?
That's a good question,
One I can't answer.

A good way to get all those nasty feelings out is by writing songs and poetry but it feels worse if I don't share it with anyone. It's like "Here they are, all on paper, take them from me, but I can't because I don't share them".

--Fuck You All--

You betrayed me
Now he hates me
Not any more does he
Care about me.

I can't help how I feel
Can't control it like some stupid fashion
What do you call it again, emo?
Fuck you, you fucking elmo.

Why did you tell him
You betrayed my trust
Now how I act,
Is now a must
Throw the rulebook in the bin,
Fucked over to the grim.

These were my inner, darker secrets
Why does no-one understand
I'm clinically depressed
Not following a trend.

Fuck you,
Fuck this world,
Fuck my mum,
And fuck my friends.

You don't understand,
You never will,
But then how could you,
You're all just ants.


I hated you for this Steven or should I say Tony... I knew as soon as I read it that someone was just trying to get stuff out of me. At first I thought it was Rosie, but no it was you. If you want to know just ask me, don't pretend to be someone else for fuck sake. Talk to me, don't fake your way in. You don't know anything about me, how can you say im "turning emo". You don't know what's going on in my life and you don't care... But I can't be angry at your face or Rosie's so if your ever reading this, I hope you understand just a bit how much I hated you for it and discluding me or what the fuck ever. That's why I take it out on myself you fucking dickheads I can't do it I just can't. I wish I never told Rosie about this either. I don't think even she understands anymore and you won't talk to me. You want to help me but it's like you won't let me.. What the fuck. Ggrr you all fucking piss me off. You don't know how angry I am right now.

Just leave me alone and drop what you don't understand.

I think I am going to be sick...

P.S. Thanks T. and thanks Liz..

Here it is:

---For You, I Know---

I know you so well
But I don't know you at all
I know what you do
But I don't know the cause.

I see on the outside
A reflection of myself
You won't let me in
But expression expells
Dehydrated
For the good things in life
What do you expect
You live in strife.

I know you know
You could die tommorrow
But you hide it so well
The sadness that follows

Your shaky hands
You denie when I ask
But falling down the stairs
Quick to cover up

Not so fast
You can't explain it away
Pretend it never happened
You could've been really hurt

You're already damaged
Inside of your heart
Where I don't know
I still love you though

For ever and ever
God knows you'll never change
Not even for heaven

I find it hard to write things in this journal. I often write massive descriptive entries and then get to the end and decide not to publish them. I guess I'm scared of who might see them. I don't want everyone to know my secrets, my problems, but it does help to gain interest and help from those I don't know. I just wrote a page long entry, but I can't publish it I just can't. I'm sorry...

Luv Bayles, xo.

P.S. Why can't I find happiness...

---Fake---

I remind you again
Of the fake me
The one that is no more bound
To me
Than one set free
It is chosen
For a purpose
A cause
Unknown to you
And only too well by me...

Biro is better than blood.


---You'll Never Forget---

What is the word alone,
By youself,
Burning an insolate flame,
Not in touch,
On purpose or not wanted,
Falling in,
Down,
And creeping around.
A photographer and his picture,
In the red room alone,
A moment frozen in time,
Until he made that desicion,
and put it in that that insolate flame,
For himself,
Or didn't he know,
Did he think he could deal,
Now others can't see the photo,
He can only describe it,
But it's not the same,
It's never the same,
He thought he could forget,
No-one will ever understand,
The beauty and the presence,
Its tragedy and its death,
Of the photo,
Only what he knows,
It's stored in his memory,
For ever and ever,
He'll never forget.

You'll never forget.


---False Emotion---

Happiness is ignorance,
Ignorance is the solution to pain,
Pain we don't like,
So ignorance is the answer,
And happiness is the result.
Happiness is the emotion people get,
When they are too ignorant to see,
The pain in their everyday lives.
That's what a bad day is,
An occasional lapse in this ignorant structure.
If humans,
Us as a species,
Never embrace the bad days,
We will never learn to deal,
Deal with the emotions of our pain,
The pain that we choose to ignore and hide,
The stuff that is there,
And you know it
That eats you alive,
Eats at your soul,
But never steals it,
Because nothing will ever take your soul,
But you can torture it,
If you aren't ignorant.

Some things go away, most do. Cancer doesn't. That's what this is, a cancer. I mean it usually goes away, this is going to take some fucking work:

(Because I couldn't fucking concentrate when I was doing my exams, I wrote these instead, sad isn't it...)

Get out of my head,
Go away please now,
I'm done thinking,
I'm saying goodbye,

Look what you've done,
To me don't you care?
Made me all angry,
Confused, sad and in despair.

I said time to go,
Away with your care,
Which is minus than zero,
Fuck with someone over there.

-and-

Pulling a gun,
Upon my head,
Quick and painless,
A likely death.

For now though I choose,
To stay right here,
I don't want to hurt,
Loved ones that are near.

As silent as night,
Words are bright,
As they rush through my head,
I dread what thoughts are next.

What happened to trust,
It's so overrated,
Never carried out,
Just found in minor traces.

I never ever wanted,
To die alone,
In this fucked up society,
That I call home.

I don't think I will,
It's justa simple thought,
The ideas just spill,
They're not really fought.

Please don't find it frightening, I'm not going anywhere, just my deep down thoughts.

BBPeake

At the moment im in a weird mood... Aren't I always lol...

I feel like my problems or how I feel aren't as important than other peoples. I sort of feel like I'm falling apart as time passes by.

Why is life so shit. Not always I do have to say. Thanks to my body for putting in the extra effort to get over all this shit. But this one's staying for a while.

Everything I do is so awkward. Looking at people is so awkward. All I want to do is listen to screamo in the dark or play sad songs on my electric guitar.

On top of that, if it wasn't for my fucking mother always fucking walking in on me. Are you ok Bayley, what's the bother. Turn that shit down and then you could probably hear how bad and offkey your singing is. Well fuck you bitch leave me the fuck alone and don't read what the fuck I am saying to people on msn.

And again, I can't stop fucking thinking, aaaaaahhh it's making me go insane. Fucking schitzo. I don't mean to put my body down but I feel like shit. I feel like my body and me are two different things. Me as in my thoughts. Like my thoughts are boss to my slave body. It works so hard and does so much for me but I give it this shit mood, I wish I could do better for it...

What a weird thought, I think I need councelling, lol, sorta...

I feel alone and I want to be alone. I like the dark it makes me feel better.

What are you supposed to do? Can you do anything and hope it goes away. Bottle it up. I don't want other people to know how I feel but I do so bad.

I found out a good way to deal with everything though.

BBPeake

I'm sorry raz, I don't mean to copy you, just how you felt is like exactly how I feel and so it really embarrasses me to look into your eyes.

Also that and I feel really angry at you for some reason... I can't really explain it. I hate the world and it couldn't have come up at any better time, exams... I feel really stirred inside, like really frustrated.

I can't concentrate on study and all I want to do is listen to music. Mum's not helping with her pissy mood, not that I expect or want her to.

If I'm walking past you or anyone do I look at them do I look away. What will they think if I look away, if I look at them too long, Should I say hi, will I look like an idiot. Fuck me man I hate this. That's why I just want to be alone/play dirt bike.

Face to face, I will never own up to that, trust me.

I don't like the whole black hole theory. I guess because it makes me feel worse and it sin't exactly how I feel things are. I feel more like I am a God or a special over privellaged human being with no memory of what's happening or where I came from. I know that must sound pretty weird and gay.

I feel like I'm locked in a room with everyone else but they don't know that we're all trapped in here.

I know I'm not suppossed it be in this room, I'm suppossed to be outside with whatever is there, something that nobody else knows of and that I can't explain waits for me, calls my name in the new place.

I can't unlock or even find the door to it. I'm stuck in this puppet show with only a few special people that know or have potential to know and understand just exactly how I feel.

Maybe I'll go there when I die or something, not that I have thoughts to die, because I don't, it's just a thought. Maybe it's like an afterlife or something. I know that I'll understand it or even go there one day, but not yet.

I'm allowed to wonder, aren't I?

Don't find this scary because it isn't meant to be. Most people however do. If you get scared, then I'll get scared at myself and get weird and really negative.

BBPeake

P.S. Why do I feel like this, I have no reason to?

Today is the 5th day I've been sick. My throat feels like I've just swallowed a godamn razor blade. I keep coughing which makes it worse. So I am feeling sick.

To my best friend, Raz, love you mait. Gotta make sure that is a known fact.

Does anyone else ever feel like in life their the only ones that know what is going on between everone else. Sometimes I think society is so fucked up. The only way I feel better about shut is if I go for a walk or draw the birds. Birds don't give a shit aboutanything but survival, why are human beings so weird?

Rosie is the only person who has come close to understanding this.

Another thing.
Does anyone ever when they feel depressed direct their music needs towards more happier or less negative directed styles. If i listen to negative music when I am unhappy, it makes me feel worse. So often my song of the day when I am depressed will be something a little happy like Little Things by Good Charlotte etc. Or songs with completely unrelated topics to take your mind off stuff.

I don't know but I don't... Nevermind

peace
BlackBayles
xo